Correction to sweet Mzchief on my brother.
It wasn't a just a bag of fertilizer, it was the thingie you put the stuff in. He was positive it was his cause he had one somewhere at some point and was pretty sure he didn't toss it out.
I had no doubt in my mind that it was mine, because I use it throughout the spring, summer and fall on my yard. I just got it when I moved in four years ago and have spent alot of time on my yard and now have it down to a nice rhythm.
It was a small goofy thing to argue over and I gave in way too quickly and extremely annoyed. He has absolutely no clue on how much to be thankful because I never let on how much I did that he didn't realize I was doing.
Sometimes he can be way blonder than I can.
I actually didn't want him to take my fertilizer thingie. I have worked alot on this yard and house little by little and really enjoy seeing the results of my efforts.
That fertilizer thingie...and yes, it can be very easily replaced and no, it was not a gift from a rock star or a political figure. It was a little thing I bought that made me feel like a grown up. It was one of many things I did differently when I moved in here. I wasn't just living paycheck to paycheck anymore. I was starting to work on a future.
So it may seem silly to be upset over such a small thing, but while I slowly pushed that little cart with fertilizer, weed killer...or whatever I used it for, I listened to books, I cried over books, I listened to financial advice, I laughed at podcasters and I sang along with all sorts of music. I walked slowly over every inch of my lawn and felt like a grown up. I watched my kids play in the water sprinklers to cool off, play on the tire swing, jump on the trampoline and run around the yard.
Every now and then I would get to that certain spot in the yard when I could time it just right and lean it against the tree and join them with a surprise attack.
At that moment, I didn't want to let go of THAT little item.
I knew stuff would get mixed up, I knew I risked things getting broken, taken or whatever...but the whole ordeal was just a little longer than I bargained for.
Overall was he grateful, thankful, appreciative? I'm sure he was.
We stood on my street at the end of that night, looked at the truck and trailer full of stuff and he said, "Thank you. Thank you for every single thing you did. I appreciated every bit of it." Then he gave me his good ole brother hug.
I was happy for just that, but had originally just wanted for the kids to have a chance to live their lives like we did growing up: Clueless and happy. I wanted him to take this position that he didn't chose to be in and take advantage of it.
That particular gripe was one of those moments where it wasn't just about that particular item. It was a whole lot of everything rolled into one stressful moment.
In a couple of months, I'll visit Lowe's again and replace that fertilizer thingie and have every one of those moments with my lawn and kids again just like I have for the last four summers here.
If for some reason my path/destiny/choices lead me somewhere else, then I'll imagine that tool will be used by someone else and I'll still have moments with my kids that I'll cherish forever and will find another hobby that will make me just as happy.
I loved having my brother close by and I immensely adored his kids this close too. I can't tell you how much I've missed (just over two days) the two year's hugs and kisses, the four year old's very random I love you's and the way she always, without fail, referred to me as "Cool Aunt Trina". The boy? Oh wow, what a character. He started out very very rocky and actually made me give myself a timeout just to hide in my bathroom and cry...within the first week of being here. He doesn't act the same way these days that he did then. He's still quite the handful, but seeing him achieve all A's on his report cards? That's just plain cool. I didn't give him those A's. He earned them. I didn't make him do his homework, his dad did. I just got to share my insight, experience and let them witness my kids firsthand. My influence contributed. THEY did it, I got to help a little bit.
This started out in my random thoughts and somehow my thoughts just flooded the post. I didn't mean to portray him in that light. I am glad that Mzchief went off in my defense on what I wrote but I thought she needed to know the whole story.
I have never met Mzchief, but oddly she has always been that little whisper of positive encouragement with honesty since day 1 of this entire ordeal. I have no idea what she looks like and very few clues as to who she is. I just know that she made a difference throughout the experience. I just couldn't let that moment pass without her understanding. I know there are alot of people that can't stand her. But I'm not one of them. I like to form my own opinions.
One of these days I'll learn not to keep all the little things bottled up inside and wait to the last minute to get pushed over the edge by something that normally wouldn't be a big deal. Maybe. If I don't then, I'll continue to be the same ole me: be great, calm, and collected for 95% of the time and then have 5% crazy.
So that chapter in my strange and weird life has closed. I feel a little lost, numb and unsure what to do next.
We'll figure it out. We always do. No matter what, it'll be fun. :-)