Monday, January 19, 2009


....can be like a piece of paper. Take a smooth nice piece of paper and everytime you say something it crumbles the paper and the more you say the more crumbled the paper gets.

No harm?
Now take back every word, crumbling, and see how smooth you can get it. You can't. Impossible. The point is that even when you apologize and offer to take it back..... you are still left with visible signs of crumbling left behind.

I'll never forget teaching that lesson to a girl scout troop and it was one of those that seem to really impact the girls. For that one lesson I really felt like I had everyone's full undivided attention and participation. When we were done they were calm and seemed to look at each other a little closer wondering if they had said anything that would have hurt. They didn't ask any questions or offer any stories like younger children love to do...they just looked back and forth at each other.

I've had one of those moments where I had a feeling I knew what was happening in a certain situation. In fact, I was willing to bet the farm that I was right. But I knew my brain would need proof. Hard core proof. So, given a chance to do something I shouldn't do to find out the truth, I did. What I read hurt more than I thought it would. It was weird how I knew ahead of time what to expect. I already had proof but had thought that I needed more.

The explanation I asked for, but didn't really want, didn't help at all. It wasn't the truth. Forgivable? Knowing what a calm, imperfect person I myself am...yeah I can forgive. But good grief, it still hurts, haunts, infuriates, embarrasses, makes me madder than heck....

I mentioned that I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm a mess. I will never forget the times in my life when I have hurt others, when I've said things I knew I shouldn't have. I also stated I had very strong feelings of the truth ahead of time.

Still hurts.

So now, with my heart pounding, body trembling, tears in my eyes....I'm not sure what to do to get certain things said, seen, heard out of my mind.

Mood: excruciating

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